Sometimes, just sometimes, I struggle. Don't we all? We all struggle some days it's true. I have to admit there are days I am tired. I am tired of putting my husband's needs ahead of mine, the needs of my employer ahead of mine, my children's needs ahead of mine. On these days I feel guilt really and I lift my struggles and my guilt to God. On this day I feel a bit alone in my role as wife. I am struggling with my will and my place . Am I embarrassed about my place ? How could that be? I understand my husband, I understand him very well. I have been living like this for 25 years now why my hurt now? I am confused. During an evening out with friends, in conversation, my husband told them that he has decided that it was time for me to quit my job. When our children were younger I longed to be able to stay home but he would not allow that and now? We got through the dinner and when we got home I told him I was suprised about the topic being discused at dinner but I had no idea he was thinking about that...he apologized but did not realize that the topic would have come up during dinner that led to his mentioning. I was upset and told him so. He did not want to discuss it then. I have until June 1 to quit. My career is stressful but the point is this came out of left field. I know my home is my priority and such. I pressed over the weekend but only agitated him....time to pray and set my pride aside.
I have to laugh...my newly wed daughter called me crying ( I am pretty sure it must be her time of the month soon or something) about how frustrated she was with her husband regarding laundry of all things. They both work full time and they share the laundry chore....sort of. Turns out when it is his turn to do the laundry-it gets done halfway and she ends up finishing it. I just listened for a while and then she said "mom, how come it does not bother you that you have to take care of all that stuff for dad?" I said, because I don't keep score and it makes him happy. She got it I think. I reminded her that many times when they were growing up I would be cranky about my work load at home because there was so much being juggled but it always got done and I feel proud that I managed it all somehow. I could always talk to her dad when I was feeling that way and get things rearranged so he knew that I was working on it but it may not get done when he needed it to be done. Communication is key and so is doing things with joy.
I really miss my husband when he is gone....at first it is fun but I am now to the stage in his absence when I can hardly wait for him to get home. ... I have the grandbabies this weekend so it will be a nice weekend but I really want Monday to come. Who says that? Mondays? bleh. But this Monday will be great. He sent me a package to open before he gets home on Monday ....I saved it for tonight so I have something to look forward to. Maybe a new dress or something fun like that.
My walk this morning was absolutely amazing. Quiet park. Wet pavement. Dripping trees. Turning leaves. Light just coming. Fog just lifting. My breath. Footsteps...my own. Breath. Cold on my face. Solitude. Prayer flowing through my mind without beginning nor end. Breath. Listen. Feel. My walk was a gift of peace at the beginning of a long day. I love fall. My husband left today for a 10 day trip. I love the first few days after he leaves....a time for me to just be. To be as messy as I want...no meals to fix...no laundry to do....I feel like a naughty teenager when he leaves...until I get tired of my own messes! I miss my second eldest daughter today. I feel her presence but I long to hug her, to comfort her, to tell her I believe she will be okay....I will be taking my youngest driving tonight ...one of those tasks that I am glad my husband normally does because I dread it... thankful for the happiness of my eldest and her husband...and enormously grateful for my middle child and her recent happiness.Today I give myself to the Lord to use for something really good. Something that will cause someone's spirit to soar. I feel free today. Amen
I enjoyed the couple of days away with my friend. We laughed ourselves silly, we drank way too much wine around a very good campfire on the beach which I built. We ate hardly anything which was not good and we gambled. Now let me say that when we left for our weekend we had no intentions of doing any of that! We brought books to read, stuff to do each other's nails, and I had set amount of money that my husband said I could spend on fun stuff. I learned a couple of very valuable lessons over the weekend...do not, under any circumstances, drink wine while at a casino playing a slot machine. Bad news. I blew through my fun money and then had to call my husband to see if I could use the debit card to get more money out....Second big mistake: don't drink too much, gamble and then call your husband....boo. 2 hours after that call, our husbands showed up. They drove us back to our hotel. Instead of going home which I thought for sure was my fate...he got us a room and we got to stay and had a great next day at the beach. There were consequences to my choices but if I had it to do over I just might it was such a fun weekend.
I spent May and June working way too much at the office then trying to squeeze in the volunteering I love and still get everything done at home. I managed for awhile but my husband pulled the plug on the volunteering for July and August. At the time I resented it but now that fall is near I feel more balanced and he is happier and our home more peaceful. I have had no personal time as he has refocused my priorities on him and our home. I have felt some tension with my employer has I am salaried and have not been working more than 9 hours a day. She wanted to know why so I told her that my husband has asked that I not. She did not know how to respond to that so I just let it hang there in the air..... My friend wanted to surprise me with a couple days away and she asked my husband if I could go-he agreed to the trip but she had to spring the surprise ( we leave Thursday) because he still needed me to have meals ready and the dry cleaning back etc. I really can't believe he said yes and more than that...I am blessed to have a friend to plan something so special. Life is full indeed.
Lord have mercy...this long weekend was a long weekend. Nothing I did was pleasing to my husband. NOTHING. He has so much going on with work, a project he is working on for one of our daughters to surprise her for her graduation, huge tax bill, traveling too much for work... you name it and it is all crashing down on him. Normally I can put a smile on his face one way or the other but not this weekend. I just kept my distance and prayed he would see the light and some good stuff. Life is like that isn't it? Sometimes you are riding the wave of "everything is cool" and suddenly you are off your surf board and eating the shore sand. Boo. Sunday I went to church alone and was feeling pretty down ---feeling my husbands suffering in his burdens. The sc
Life was full this weekend. I am going to stop focusing on the word "busy" which causes me inner turmoil. I am going to try and think of my life as just "full". Life energy spent on fullness not just spent on being "busy". Had myself not looking forward to the weekend because I knew how full it would be but it all was good. really good. I was reading through my old blogs and had to smile because part of the blessing of this blog for me is having one place where my thoughts, my mundane "happenings" have been recorded and I have to say I am so glad I recorded them because they conjured great "spirit lifting memories" for me today. Also in the writings I remember the feelings , the strong emotions I have experienced as a woman living in a traditional marriage and how that has shaped my identity, my confidence in how strong of a woman I am. I am strong! Saturday was by far, the fullest part of the weekend as my husband had planned a get together for some business associates, some neighbors and some family too- just a fun time in the nice weather. When he invites folks over he likes things a certain way- and it is my job to make sure our house a welcoming place and that everyone gets what they need to have a nice time. The tough part was that we had 2 of our grandchildren for the weekend- a 1 and 3 year old which commands a lot of my attention. Everything came together and midway through the evening the little ones were getting cranky and so I checked in with my husband to make sure he had what he needed before I went in to get the kids to bed. He needed his drink replenished and those of a couple of guests sitting with him. As I walked away to grab the drinks I heard one of the guests laugh and ask my husband if he would train his wife too. He just told the guy "you have to start with a good woman". Thank goodness his wife was not sitting there. BUT it did make me smile because he knows how fortunate we are to compliment each other's roles in our home. The rest of the evening was so relaxing for me-so reassuring that I do experience the true me every moment I remain in service to my husband. That is me. I haven't got lost at all. I am quite sure that some folks that evening went home wondering how I do it and the answer is: I am a vey strong woman.
Cool breeze. Dirt. Jazz music. Plants. Rocks. Weeds. Recipe for a perfect evening which is what I had last night. Time for me is in short supply lately so when I asked my husband if I could skip his dinner meeting and stay home to plant my new stuff and he said yes , well I was so happy. Sounds so silly but I am desperately needing some alone time to pray, to enjoy nature, to listen to my own breathing, experience me and have rest that without it, I am afraid I would just crumble. Besides creating art, my next favorite "me" activity is gardening. It is art really....designing my beds and arranging the rocks. oooooooo I love it. Then this morning when I was strolling around in the yard, I felt so at peace and relaxed. Weeds gone. Flowers growing-I imagine the roots in the dark black earth reaching for nutrients. Roots down - flower faces to the sun.....much the same as my desire to be grounded with my face to the SON. My submission to my husband, my duties and care for my grown children, my commitment to my employer are all possible because of my submission to the Lord and I am so grateful I have Him to lean on when I need grounding in my life. So thankful for my "roots" of faith. My husband has almost every moment planned for his (our weekend) I am hoping to squeeze some more "me" time out of it somewhere. A girl can dream can't she?
The rhythm of life -the ebb and flow-changing seasons- feeling as if every sensory is on high alert. I am over stimulated with life right now. On my walk this morning, for a brief moment I heard my breathing above the din of my mind racing. I stopped to listen to my breath. I liked hearing it. Oh, I am real, I am alive, I am in a moment. Sometimes, just sometimes, I go for days not really remembering to live. Does that make sense? Today it makes perfect sense. I feel guilty that God gave me all those days and I nary remember saying thank you for any of them or the blessings in them. Over stressed at work, preparations for youngest's graduation, eldest getting married, balancing my work at the centre with my husband's schedule and demands on my time, grandchildren, you name it. In and of themselves, these blessings are my life, my existence, when I am overwhelmed they seem to be anything but blessings. I miss my art - haven't touched anything in a very long time. I have been having spurts of creativity with preparations for entertaining or gifts for others but no studio time. No painting. No drawing. This weekend the weather is going to be beautiful will have to make a good attempt to dig in God's dirt. Mr. gave me some moola for plants. Something to look forward to for sure. Chin up to the sun.
I set out this lenten season to be so mindful of the Lord and be focused on the Word and occupying my mind and time with things of value.....it all sounded so wonderful and then the devil slipped into my life and has sucked me dry. Hoping that by Easter Sunday the joy only God can provide is in my heart and raises my spirit. Asking for forgiveness and prayers on this day.
Motherhood is soooooooooooooo hard and on my mind every waking moment of my existence. I am driving my husband crazy with my worrying all the time about the girls and trying to fix everything. Their choices are their own and I am becoming paralyzed by their choices. Not paying close enough attention to the details at home and it makes me sad and annoyed with myself. Feeling a disconnect from my husband too....he tries to be patient with me and show me support but he just cannot understand where I am mentally. I have not been being mindful of finances which he will not tolerate so he has had to be much more involved with how I am doing with the budget. He has been very observant of my feelings when it comes to entertaining at our home..so much work for me when he invities his friends over or clients so I have appreciated the last few times when he has actually asked me if I was up for it. I found comfort in those moments for sure. Life will go on. I ask for God's strength and peace in my heart and patience for my husband.
Happy New Year! Here I am ....another year before me . A clean slate. Endless opportunities. Work is horribly busy and the stress already is weighing on my spirit but at home things are good. Heading into the last 6 months before our daughter graduates. She has been accepted at a school 2 hours from home. Perfect. Not too far but far enough to feel the freedom from dad and mom.
What will I do with all the extra quiet---no messy teenager to cleanup after? I am sure my husband has some ideas. Almost makes me tired thinking of it....
Happy New year to all
....Advent is actually my favorite part of the Christmas season....a time of quiet reflection, examination of one's heart and mind....preparation for Christ's coming. Perfect reason not to get caught up in the hubbub of the ugly commerciality of Christmas. I feel at Peace. Wish the same for all.
Doing lots of art for my loved ones and trying my hand at those easy to make fleece blankets. Enjoying the journey, praying over each gift as it is created.
My husband does not like the decorations to go up before the 15th . After the 15th our schedule is pretty busy with entertaining his clients at the house and elsewhere so I anticipate feeling some pressure but the good kind....lots to look forward to.
Have been blessed recently with a new friend - I met her at an open house at a local gallery and she and I struck up a great conversation about the featured artists which morphed into a conversation about our own art pursuits, which led to coffee the next day which has lead into our personal lives and lo and behold- she and I share similar lives with our husbands and families. While I have enjoyed conversing on EP about the ins and outs of being in an extremely traditional marriage I look forward to she and I 's journey together. The trip to the Gallery was a double blessing because it has not been possible for me to have much "me" time because of the demands of my husbands work schedule and keeping things clicking at home so when I got to the gallery --well it was just a very special treat.
Blessings to all and I hope you all have a special blessing come your way today!
Life can overwhelm can't it? I should rephrase: the devil sneaks in to overwhelm us but if we are still and listen in awareness for God's work and presence...the storm will calm. Assuredly it will calm. I get myself so worried and worked up about my daughters that before I know it .... I am ineffective and paralized with the storm and lose sight of the calm. God is present in it all. Last week I sat with a dear friend while they received chemo. Today I am reminded that in that quiet time God comforted my friend and I and we enjoyed 4 hours of just quiet talking...listening...praying about this journey. The same is true today...received a phone call from my daughter who is addicted to drugs and I just listened to her....crying...talking...just praying while she let go...I heard my daughter's true voice come through that telephone line...crying out for herself...desperately wanting and needing to be heard. I am listening, praying and have that assured calm that God was on that phone too. I want to bring her home to be well but she must take steps to recovery that are more than just talk. Her dad wont allow her home until she is in rehab for at least 3 months...if at that time she feels she is on the road to recovery she will be allowed home. In the meantime, I am left to balance my yearning to mother while yielding to my husband's decision that she can't be home. He tries to comfort me that if she wants it bad enough she will get well. I just wish she could be at home to do so....
It is dark in the morning again when I awake....being up at 4:30 in the morning during the week is a blessing for many reasons (first one of course is waking up at all) but once up...during the summer the blessing was being awake, aware, waiting for the glorious sunrise. From now until next year I will greet the new day before the sun does. Having the sun on your face first thing in the morning does something to one's soul, I believe. Finding other ways to be grateful at 4:30 AM....since the rainy season is not here yet, I still have the clear, cold skies to awaken my senses....and the wind lately also. My walk this morning was very brisk ...had to get back home before my husband's alarm went off. Made it just in the knick...had his shower ready, clothes laid out and breakfast ready when he got up. Wish I could get my rhythym right every day! He really appreciates it when I do. Time is becoming an odd thing to me lately :) Worked through this early in the school year because it was a bumpy road....my senior in high school does not have to be to school til after 9 am and she likes a hot breakfast too so juggling my morning is interesting to say the least. We settled on she eats what dad eats but I leave hers in the oven on warm and she has to serve herself. Her kitchen mess is not much when I get home so it is working out okay. I miss our breakfasts together and I wanted her to just get up that hour earlier to eat with dad and I but he felt like she should not have to do that. Daddy's little girl that one is. He does favor her so much...I think because it is our last and he is savoring this year with her before she goes to college. I wish his favoring her did not impac me but because she is not expected to do chores or help me with household stuff it falls to me and I think I am feeling a little resentful of that....love my kiddo and respect my husband's rules so quiet I will remain. Thank you Lord God for this day.
Entering an extremely busy time of year and really looking forward to it. Youngest is now a senior in high school and she is working part time. I find myself having more and more time....so strange! My time usually feels so squeezed with my desire to be part of my volunteer work, balancing home etc. It feels really good. My husband is feeling it too and has really been so generous with me wanting to spend more time at the Centre and mentoring and such As long as I keep up with my home priorities, meals on time etc, I have been able to just enjoy alot of time away from home doing what I want.. Many times I feel guilty and check in more at home than I am required to but I really like feeing "free". The irony of course is that I have always been free but now that my home responsibilities are easing now that the girls are grown...I am rediscovering what it feels like to just BE. What that means exactly, I do not know. Self examination has been a constant that last few months as I realize that my role as a mother has changed dramatically - at the same time my husband has made adjustments to his expectations for me as his wife and so I have been in a constant state of flux...so strange. I was allowed to spend an evening away overnight with a girl friend last weekend and it was wonderful. I had a great time. EP feels strange to me now..I miss this blog. I feel very blessed. Today the wind is blowing, sky is so blue, getting warmer as the day goes on but such a beautiful fall day.
While doctoring my husband's foot injury (caused by a sandal rubbing) I said "geez it's a good thing you did not have to have babies because you are really being a wimp right now" His reply was: if men had to bear the pain of childbirth...the earth would not have been populated. This cracked me up. I am sure he heard that somewhere else but it was still funny....that interchange between he and I had me thinking about how much I love being a woman. I have permission (by God's design) to be strong, to be fearless, to be graceful, to be meek, to be independant and dependant, to be hard, to be soft.....the definition of woman is so complex. Enjoying the journey of discovering all those "women" inside me.
With a husband, four children, a few grandbabies, a full time job at home and a secondary (but full time) career outside of my home..... I have drawn on all those attributes God blessed me with.
Sometimes hard- would be lying if I denied it. I don't always succeed but God shows me the way with the help of my husband leading the way. I trust. I follow (try so hard). I was tasked with buying our new living room set while my husband was out of town...I knew what he wanted and I knew how much we had to spend. Unfortunately, I was stunned by the cost of furniture! I almost had a panic attack! After several phone calls to my husband and texting photos and him speaking to the sales person...we now own insanely over priced furniture. This was one of those instances when I did not want to follow my husband's direction because I don't like shopping for the big things, but I set my anxieties aside because he needed me to and it worked out okay....I am no worse for wear I guess.
My girlfriend said the funniest thing to me recently when we were camping...she said "how is it you appear to really like waing on people hand and foot" "if I were you I would be a raging lunatic".....I had to laugh.... because many times I feel totally and utterly overwhelmed with my responsibilities at home and at work for that matter but the truth is....I really do enjoy the most mundane of tasks. I generally see them as times when God helps me to see how important every little piece of effort is and what a positive impact I have or can have when I do things with a joyful heart. Many times, like today, I really do look forward to losing myself in thoughts while doing the laundry or preparing breakfast or scrubbing toilets....somedays the work I do before I leave my home in the morning is the most meaningful I will do all day! My early mornings are becoming darker and darker....fooey. I walked the dogs at 4:45 this morning and it was barely light at 5:30.... such a blessing to greet the sun... I just wish it would stay light for more months in the year.
With husband gone for next few days I will have a chance to spend some alone time with my daughter...feeling all those emotions about entering high school. I am so sad and so happy at the same time. She has grown immensely over the summer and she is so excited for her senior year. She held a job this summer and volunteered at the Centre. We are so proud of her....so many good things to come.
Thank you Lord GOd for today!
I never know when my mind's eye is going to take a permant "snapshot" of a certain moment.... sometimes when I am reminising times with my family or friends...suddenly a very vivid picture will appear for me and I can feel myself back in that moment in time. It is much more than just a memory. This weekend I was aware of my mind taking one of the "snapshots". My husband and I had rented a cabin for the weekend and he invited our neighbors and his sister and brother in law. I was hoping for a quiet weekend with just he and I but it turned out to be a nice relaxing time. Anyway, we were all sitting around a campfire visiting...a full moon above illuminating the area beyond the glow of our fire...the sound of the fire crackling, laughter, smiling faces....as I looked up from the fire and went around the circle, looking at each face....SNAP! There it was .... a permanent record. Along with that SNAP was a very full feeling in my heart....it occurred to me that I will never have that moment again....there will be many more moments (God willing) but NEVER will I repeat that moment in time. I am so grateful that my mind took a permanent photo for me because in that moment I felt immensly blessed. Feeling myself living....and it felt wonderful.
Fall is creeping into the air....I noticed this morning on my walk with the dogs. Can't quite put my finger on it but the air and sky is different in the morning......
Thank you Lord God for this day.
YOUR LIFE. Get it? Handle your life with care. Things we take for granted such as -this day. Waking up this morning at my usual 4:30 was especially sweet. The sounds outside our bedroom window were gently washing over me - the breeze through chimes hanging in a tree outside, of course my beloved birds singing. My eyes popped open and my feet hit the floor and I was off! Outside for my morning solitude, prayer and contemplation...so much to think about: a friend who has lost her way...her fragile life is now forever changed by revenge...a daughter who is trying so hard to escape the fog of drug addiction.. another friend battling for her fragile life through cancer..my heart is sometimes so heavy I feel desperate for God to intervene.....since I have no way to know what God's plan is...well I cleve to Him with all my might and just try to be there for those who are suffering. I pray for all of them and me to have the strength to help in meaningful ways. The mundane aspects of my life are feeling like such blessings. My fragile existence fully in focus. Thank you Lord God.
Previous PostsHeadship, posted February 4th, 2014
Ahhh.....the Old Keeping Score method for young couples, posted October 24th, 2013
Last weekend before my husband is home, posted October 18th, 2013
Move. Breath. Listen. Feel. Life., posted October 11th, 2013
Girl Weekends....what a blessing, posted October 8th, 2013
Fall is near...., posted September 16th, 2013
And the cranky husband award goes toooooooo....... MINE, posted May 29th, 2013
Living my moments for Him, posted May 6th, 2013
Day 2 Just for Me, posted May 3rd, 2013
Seasons, posted May 2nd, 2013
Faultering, posted March 19th, 2013, 1 comment
New Year . New Adventures. New Hope., posted January 5th, 2013, 1 comment
Advent peace, posted November 29th, 2012, 1 comment
Be still... Be thankful...Be alive, posted October 23rd, 2012, 3 comments
Blue Skies, posted October 4th, 2012
Hmmmmmmm....., posted October 1st, 2012
Being a woman is so blessedly complex......, posted August 30th, 2012
The Marvelously Mundane, posted August 23rd, 2012
More than just a memory....., posted August 20th, 2012
Fragile Handle With Care, posted August 13th, 2012
Life - embrace it...the good, the bad and the ugly, posted August 10th, 2012, 2 comments
In the Summertime when the leaves are green...., posted July 2nd, 2012
Sunday Morning Blessings..., posted July 1st, 2012
Dinner, Bed and Breakfast....check., posted June 30th, 2012
You'll never guess.....it's raining, posted June 29th, 2012
Two blogs one day too much?, posted June 28th, 2012, 1 comment
Nearly Dark in the Park, posted June 28th, 2012
Hello my life..... I 've missed you, posted June 27th, 2012
Quiet......, posted June 25th, 2012
Exiting the Twighlight Zone....., posted June 24th, 2012
The Tuesday that wasn't.... TMI alert, posted June 13th, 2012, 2 comments
Flat sole shoes and mud. Trouble., posted June 11th, 2012
Love, despair, healing and care...oh and weird EP stuff, posted June 8th, 2012, 2 comments
Seriously? I am getting mossy on my northside...., posted June 7th, 2012
Freshly mowed lawn, posted June 6th, 2012
Rain, Rain, Go Away!, posted June 5th, 2012
Good morning new week, posted June 4th, 2012
Great start to a new week and ending of the last, posted June 4th, 2012
Blessed Saturday..., posted June 2nd, 2012
Friday seems anti-climatic today...must have been the long weekend last week!, posted June 1st, 2012
Okay who pushed the fast foward button on this thing called life? Knock it off, posted May 31st, 2012
Communication is the key, posted May 30th, 2012
Returning to reality after a long weekend is soooooo hard......., posted May 29th, 2012
New day!, posted May 24th, 2012
Effort...focus...that inner strength I talk about...., posted May 23rd, 2012
Rain, Rain, and more rain!, posted May 22nd, 2012
Was that a weekend we just experienced?, posted May 21st, 2012
Friday but no rest for the weary!, posted May 18th, 2012
Tonight's the night.......(name that tune), posted May 17th, 2012
Wednesday....one more day!, posted May 16th, 2012
BlogrollHere are some friends' blogs...
HelpEmbed Photos Embed Videos